Three Attacks, One Business

Hello, fellow Wizards! It’s me, your long lost and favorite Shining Wizard, Tony. While I’ve been away for so long (and who can blame me? Living by the motto “if it’s on the table, take it,” I’m making those papers), I have managed to stay abreast (huh uh) of some of the happenings of the wrestling world. Working 13 hour days kinda sucks; well, maybe not really. I mean, I don’t have to watch any of Raw, which has been down in the ratings (probably making Eddie really happy), and it feels like forever since I’ve been on the show. Today, however, I’m taking it somewhat easier at work, and I thought it would be a perfect time to hit on some great stories that happened this past week.

First, let’s take a closer, and less clothed, look at a real American hero, the idol of my childhood, Hulk Hogan (or as WWE would call him, the John Cena of the 80s). The rumored sex tape we discussed some episodes ago has surfaced in the form of a 90-second preview, and if you’re not completely stoked about what it contained, you should probably end your life, because quite frankly you have nothing to live for. From what I’ve read, and seen, apparently good old Bubba the Racist Back-Stabbing Tub of Goo let Hulkamania run wild all over his then-wife. I don’t think that’s what Dionne Warwick was going for (a-boo!), but there ya go. Unbeknownst to the Red and Yellow, he was being filmed doing the dirty, and, whoops, looks like Bubba may have been the one to leak the tape. As we stand, the word is that Hulk hates Bubba, Bubba is seeing dollar signs, and I get to see the Hulkster doing the nasty. But the funniest thing in the 90-second clip is probably the Hulkster’s ringtone: it’s Brooke’s big hit “About Us.” Shine on THAT! So Hulk has the police involved, and in a week where Linda got tagged on a DUI, it’s funny that her story is only the second most embarrassing thing to happen to the Hogans this week.

I think this tape, if it sees the light of day, is going to make crazy money (and maybe spark a return to the Shining Wizards Theater) and will probably make the Hulkster that much more of a star. It’s a pretty shitty thing for Bubba to do if he did record this behind Hulk’s back. But before you get on him for pimping out his wife, realize that what happened here is something that happens all the time. It’s just that this time, it not only happened to someone in our world, but we also found out about it. I’m sure there are tons of other stories about all types of sexcapades (hell, Josh Daniels was kind enough to share some of his tales of a certain diva, whom is coming up next, haha), and of course I’d love to hear each and every one. It’s just that when you hear someone who you watched your whole life has something like this become public, it takes you by surprise, simply because you never think of that person in that way (and before you go ewww, think about other people who have had sex that you don’t think about: Santa Claus, Hillary Clinton, your grandmother who, in fairness, probably rode train long before it was called that).

Speaking of thinking of people in a certain way, our good friend Tammy Sytch makes the second story of the day. Sytch has jacked up her recent arrest count to FIVE with two new instances related to domestic abuse. Apparently Damien Darling must be packing some heat. Either that, or Ms. Sytch is looking to start a family (um…) with some quality DNA. I dunno. What I do know is that her fifth arrest, which came hours after her release from her fourth arrest, was for third degree burglary and three counts of violating a protective order. But her fourth arrest is the real good stuff, as Damien found Tammy passed out in his home, and, get this, she was lying next to an empty bottle. And when the cops arrived, she tried to hide… under a blanket… in the bathroom. Yes, folks, its cliche, but YOU CAN’T MAKE THIS STUFF UP.

I’m sure this has no bearing on Matt’s “to do” list, by the way. But it’s really sad. At this point, can you say she’s in love? I don’t know how true some of the old stories about Tammy are (pimped out by Chris Candido for drugs, affairs with Shawn and Bret, etc…), but if she isn’t the poster child for a fucked up life, I can’t tell you what is. And I’m not blaming these outside, um, affairs, but I can’t say it’s all her fault. Sometimes, it’s not just who you are but also who you surround yourself with. I’m sure at some point, Tammy had hopes and dreams like the rest of us. Unfortunately, life is more than just being the most downloaded woman on AOL (God, how old am I?). I wish Tammy Godspeed (sp??? blech), and I hope things turn around for her. And when they do, let my boy Matt hit that, eh? (Sorry, Rhi, but let him take one for the team? Nothing would beat a Matt/Sunny story)

And taking one for the team is not what CM Punk was in the mood for during the final moments of Raw this week. Our final story takes us into the crowd after Punk was chased out of the ring by Cena and Ryback at the end of the McMahon/Punk brawl. Let’s skip the obvious problem with the match (funny that the rules that keep the talent from getting over don’t apply to the boss, who can do what he wants to get over at will. lol bad ratings.) At some point, Punk was allegedly hit in the kidneys, smacked in the head, and was nearly pushed down the stairs by a fan before he retaliated. Unfortunately, he did so to the wrong guy. Whoops! While early reports are that charges won’t be filed, the victim is said to be in the process of “lawyering up” for a possible civil suit.

I think most people would agree that if someone throws the first punch then its open season for retaliation. However, the target of said retaliation needs to be the person that instigated it in the first place. And that, unfortunately, didn’t happen here. While I can’t blame Punk for getting angry and losing his cool, I can blame him for a blind rage focused on the wrong guy. Just like the fan who maybe got away with it shouldn’t have, neither should Punk. Sorry, but let’s see just how untouchable Punk really is when all is said and done.

And if you’re going to be the instigator, WHY OH WHY would you brag about it on Twitter? You shouldn’t be committing crimes in the first place, but the reason most assholes get caught is because they feel the need to brag about it. Guarantee yourself that you’ll be caught? Why? I guess the internet is a magnet for idiocy. But that’s a whole other post.

Hopefully this sabbatical is over soon so I can rock it with the boys in Studio again. Until then, eat a bag.

-Shining Wizard Tony

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